My mother is now angry at me for yelling at him badly. I know I committed a mistake but at the same time, I did not know what to say to stop him because he was just accusing me and her of obscene things.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Assalamu
Alaikum brother
I am living in guilt and dilemma. my father is not mentally well and lately he
was having financial problems with me. It escalated so much and I did not
complain and gave him everything he demanded because I wanted him to just be
happy. Then he started accusing my mother and verbally hurting her. I have lost
my mind at that moment and yelled back at him because he was hurting my mother.
My mother is now angry at me for yelling at him badly. I know I committed a
mistake but at the same time, I did not know what to say to stop him because he
was just accusing me and her of obscene things.
Am I at fault for standing up for my mother and for myself? I know in Islam
mother is 3 times more important than a father. In my case my father was not in
his mental sanity and we could not be more patient with the hurtful words he
said to us.
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Answer:
Taking sides in
parents fight
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide,
and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear
witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear
witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His
Messengers.
Your
Statements: I have lost my mind at that moment and yelled back at him because
he was hurting my mother….. My mother is now angry at me for yelling at him
badly.
Dear and beloved brother in Islam, one cannot
over-emphasize the importance and significance of serving and being dutiful
unto one’s parents in Islam, especially when they have been blessed by the Lord
to attain old age.
Allah says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:
Your
Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him
Alone! Treat your parents with
great kindness; if either or both of
them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and
pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them,
just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah
Luqman verse 14:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain
was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy
parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 46 Surah
Ahqaaf verses 15-16:
15 We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his
mother bear him and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child)
to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months.
At length when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty
years he says "O my Lord! grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor
which Thou hast bestowed upon me and upon both my parents and that I may work
righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my
issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and
truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."
16 Such are they from whom We shall accept the best of their deeds and
pass by their ill deeds: (they shall be) among the Companions of the Garden: a
promise of truth which was made to them (in this life).
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah
Baqarah verse 215:
215 They ask thee what they should spend (in charity). Say: ‘Whatever ye spend that is good is
for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for
wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is
good Allah knoweth it well.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah
(saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or
your relation with them will determine) your
Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be
humbled into dust! Let him be humbled
into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of
his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah
I asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom
should I show kindness most?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother.’ I asked (again):
‘Who next?’. He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’.
I asked: ‘Who next?’ He (saws) replied:
‘Your mother!’ I asked again: ‘Who
next?’ and he (saws) replied: ‘Your father, and then your relatives in order of
relationship.’
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha
The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its
name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So
whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will
keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his
bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I
inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O
Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in
worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.505 Narrated by Abdullah
I asked the Prophet (saws): "Which deed
is the dearest to Allah?" He (saws) replied, "To offer the prayers at
their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?"
He (saws) replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents."
I again asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied,
"To participate in Jihad (religious fighting) in Allah's cause." 'Abdullah added, "I asked only that much
and if I had asked more, the Prophet (saws) would have told me more."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.248 Narrated byAbdullah bin Amr
A man came to the Prophet asking his permission to take part in Jihad.
The Prophet asked him, "Are your parents alive?" He replied in the affirmative.
The Prophet said to him, "Then
exert yourself in their service."
Your
Statement: My mother is now angry at me for yelling at him badly. I know I
committed a mistake….
Allah says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:
Your
Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him
Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness;
if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to
them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and
pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them,
just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”
When Allah Subhanah has Commanded the believers who
sincerely fear Allah and the Last Day to not even say ‘uff’ unto their parents,
to say that ‘badly yelling’ at one’s own father is a mere ‘mistake’ is an
absolute understatement!!!.....it is an utter, humungous, heinous, and
unreserved abomination in the Sight of the Lord!!!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah
(saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or
your relation with them will determine) your
My dear and beloved brother, it would only be piety and
righteousness on your part that you amend your conduct and sincerely seek the
forgiveness from your father….and above all turn to your Lord Creator in
‘taubah’ and seek forgiveness for the abomination that you have committed. If you are indeed sincere in your repentance,
it is expected that you will find your Lord Forgiving and Merciful.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 39 Surah
Zumur verses 53-54:
(O Prophet) say: “O My servants who have wronged
their own souls….Do not despair of Allah’s Mercy! Surely,
Allah forgives all sins. He
indeed is the All Forgiving, All
Merciful. Return to your Lord and
submit to Him before the scourge overtakes you;
for then you may get no help from anywhere.”
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale
Imraan verse 135-136:
Allah likes such good people very much,
who, if ever they commit a base deed or
wrong their own soul by the commission of a sin, remember Allah instantly, and ask for forgiveness from Him for their
shortcomings. For who, but Allah,
can forgive sins? (And Allah
loves those) who do not knowingly persist in the wrongs they did. These will be rewarded with forgiveness from
Allah, and with Gardens beneath which
canals flow, and they will reside
therein forever! How excellent is the
reward of those who do good deeds!
Your
Statements: I am living in guilt and dilemma. my father is not mentally well
and lately he was having financial problems with me. It escalated so much and I
did not complain and gave him everything he demanded because I wanted him to
just be happy. Then he started accusing my mother and verbally hurting her.
There is absolutely no doubt that a fight between one’s
parents is absolutely heart-wrenching for a child, but the child does not have
a right to enter or take sides, or ever to physically or verbally engage
himself in a fight between his parents.
The absolute most an off-spring, if indeed he/she sincerely believes in
Allah and the Last Day, could do is practice absolute wisdom and try to humbly
talk to the one who is abusive and oppressive and instill the fear of Allah
into them, and also guide the one who is being oppressed and abused towards
patience.
But under no circumstances should the child ever do
anything or use terms that would be disrespectful or discourteous towards
either of his parents. In such trying
and unfortunate circumstances, what the child can and must do is remain
constant in his supplication to the Lord Most Merciful and beg Him to have mercy
on his parents.
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and
commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws),
one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any
other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be
assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me
alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is
the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan