Rights of mother and wife
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's
Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Hello brother,
I have been engaged to be married. Marriage is coming soon. I love my parents
very much and specially my mother. All of a sudden i have this fear that my
wife might come and create problems between my parents and me. Only once has
she challenged my mother on a decision. I feel that if she could do that before
the marriage, what is going to do when we our married.I know that my mother is
very very important to me.How do i deal with this?I am afraid that i might not
be very nice to my wife to be, if she creates problems.Does`nt a mother have
more right then a wife? My wife to be`s mother has created some problems in the
past that have created tension between the two families. I am afraid my wife
might be just like her mother. Backing out of the marriage plans i think is too
immature, i feel. What can i do to make sure things stay good between my mother
and my wife to be.I know i need to be strong, but what else can i do? I need
your help to understan the rights of both MY MOTHER & MY FUTURE WIFE.
Thank You,
NOTE: Please don`t print my e-mail address and name anywhere when you answer
this.
Concerned brother in Islam.
(There
may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum
does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from
our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
Answer:
In the
name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness.
Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray,
none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no
person, no grave, no prophet, no imam,
no dai, nobody!) worthy of
worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His
slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses
23-25:
23 Your Lord has Decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be
kind to parents. Whether one or both of
them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel
them; but address them in terms of honor.
24 And out of kindness, lower to them the wings of humility, and say:
"O my Lord! Bestow on them Thy
Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood."
25 Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts: if ye do deeds of
righteousness verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and
again (in true penitence).
After the
rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam
the biggest rights in all mankind is due to our parents. And after the rights of parents, is the rights of our near relatives, far relatives, muslims,
neighbors, etc. In Islam, the guidance is that one must give all the
rights due to each, without effecting
the rights of others.
For instance, one cannot take away the right due to our
parents, and give them to our wives and
children. Neither can he take away the
rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There should be a proper balance, and a muslim,
who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day,
should give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the
other.
Regarding
the rights and obligations of our parents upon us, it is imperative and obligatory on every
believer, who fears Allah and the Last
Day, to treat and obey his parents in
absolutely everything, except if they
ask you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger
(saws). Other than that, their word is basically a command for us! We are not allowed in any circumstance
to groan, moan, growl, whimper or even
say ‘uff’ to them! We have to obey them
in every respect, as long as their command
is not against Allah and His Messenger (saws).
We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to be kind to them, be patient with them, be merciful to them, be obedient to them, and treat them with the utmost respect. So much so,
that this right and obligation is termed ‘fard ain’(absolutely
obligatory for every individual) in Islam.
And ‘fard ain’ means, that no
matter how old one is … 10-20-50-90… as long as one or both of one’s parents
are alive, one has to be obedient to
them! No one can do this on another’s
behalf… one is obligated to himself be obedient to his parents! This is the high station and the elevated
‘maqaam’ bestowed by Allah Subhanah for the parents in Islam.
Your
Question: Does`nt a mother have more right then a wife?
Indeed,
there is absolutely no doubt that in Islam, the rights due to one’s parents far
far exceed the rights due to one’s wife.
But the brother has to fear Allah Subhanah and give each their due
rights in full, without effecting the rights of the other. One cannot take the rights due to a mother and
give them to his wife; nor can he take the rights due to his wife and give them
to his mother! But it is the duty of the
brother to fear Allah, and give each their due rights in full.
Your
Question: What can i do to make sure things stay good between my mother and my
wife to be.I know i need to be strong, but what else can i do?
Beloved
and dear Brother in Islam, one of the
things that gives the Shaytaan the most satisfaction is when he instigates or
creates a misunderstanding or quarrel between the husband and the wife in the
sacred bond of marriage. Thus what we
need to do is, first and foremost, be aware of this avowed enemy of ours,
recognize him, and constantly seek the protection of Allah Subhanah from the
Shaytaan.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 35 Surah Fatir verse 6: Verily the Shaytaan is an enemy to you: so treat him as an
enemy! He only invites his adherents
that they may become companions of the Blazing Fire.
Beloved
brother, the things you need to do to make sure the relationship between your
two loved ones remain good and cordial are:
Fear
Allah, no matter where you are, and in whatever you say and do.
You must
realize that there might develop a natural state of jealousy between the mother
and the wife over their love for you. No
matter what happens, practice extreme patience and never let the Shaytaan make
you say or do an act on impulse which you might regret later.
Find an
opportune moment at the start of the marriage, and have a frank but polite talk
with your wife explaining that you are bound by the Laws of Allah Subhanah to
be unconditionally obedient to your parents.
If the woman is pious and God-fearing, she will understand and
appreciate your honesty and respect for your parents, and will apply patience
and wisdom in her relationship with her mother-in-law.
Seek the
constant protection of Allah Subhanah from the evil designs of the Shaytaan,
who always tries to sow discord between the loved ones; especially between the
husband and the wife.
Beloved
brother, one thing you must never ever do in a dispute between one’s mother and
one’s wife is take sides; for that will do nothing but give the Shaytaan the
opportunity to enflame the discord even more.
Be extremely patient, and with wisdom and ‘hikmah’ listen attentively to
both parties; and seek the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah for both of them. But if a situation arises where you are left
with absolutely no choice, then you must choose to side with your mother and
explain to your wife that you are bound by the Laws of Allah Subhanah to be
unconditionally obedient to your parents.
If one can
understand and accept two Divine social laws when starting his family, he will
never have a problem in his family relations, Insha Allah. The problem is that Shaytaan has made these
two laws in todays ungodly and ignorant world so politically incorrect and
socially unacceptable, that man has brought upon himself this misery of family
disputes in his life through the disobedience of these two Divine Laws:
Law
#1: It is a
prescribed duty and a commandment that the believing man (and woman) has to be
unconditionally obedient to his parents in absolutely all matters, except if
his parents command him to disobey Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Proof
from the Quran and Sunnah:
Allah
says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-25:
23 Your Lord has Decreed that you worship none but Him, and that
you be kind to parents. Whether
one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of
contempt, nor repel them; but address them in terms of honor.
24 And out of kindness, lower to them the wings of humility, and say:
"O my Lord! Bestow on them Thy
Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood."
25 Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts: if ye do deeds of
righteousness verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and
again (in true penitence).
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated
by Abu Bakra
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the
Biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger
(saws)!" He (saws) said, "To
join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's
parents."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated
by Anas
The Prophet (saws) was asked about the Great Sins. He (saws) said, "They are:--
(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,
(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,
(3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to
commit the crime of murder),
(4) And to give a false witness."
Law
#2: It is the
prescribed duty and a commandment to the believing woman to be obedient to her
husband, except if he commands her to disobey Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Proof
from the Quran and Sunnah:
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34 (part): Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has
given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their
means. Therefore the righteous
women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what
Allah would have them guard.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been permissible
that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that
a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated
by Umm Salamah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies while her husband
was pleased with her, she will enter
May Allah
Subhanah make your trial easy for you, and give you and us all the guidance,
the wisdom, and the courage to live by His Laws and within His Defined
Boundaries in Islam. If one trusts, obeys,
and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger
(saws), he can be assured of never ever
being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger
(saws), he can be assured of being led
astray.
Whatever
written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance,
and whatever of error is of me. Allah
Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,
Burhan
