Issues between my mother and wife
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Dear Brother Assalam o Alekum Hope you are well. I am facing a terrible situation since I got married. I have tried everything to keep harmony and peace in our home. I am 27 year male and got married last year. I am the only son of my parents. I have two younger sister of which one is married and has 3 year boy. I realy care for my family and has done everything in a way which my mom wanted. My mother is owner of a school while my father is a retired government officer. my mother is more talented and educated then my father and she is the one who is running our home she is the decission maker. I am supporting her in every aspects. Whatever I am it is just because of my mom determination and hardwork. She has done everything to bring me to this position. I am currently working in a high profile multinational chartered accountant firm. Last year when I got engaged.the problem started when my family went to my spouse home to fix the date for our marriage, on this very day they told us that my spouse was engaged to another guy and they broke the engagement as the guy was not progressing well in his career. My mom got hyper and because of her anger she said so many thing, which I think was right to an axtant considering the fact that they should have told this earlier. Anyway somehow things got well and moved on. I was against the jhez and told this clearly to my family and my in laws. Bt my in laws insisted that they will give the furniture and appliances as it was their wish to do so. We accepted that.we got married. On the weeding day, during the ceremony, my inlaws suggested that the male and females should be segregated so our guests who were already seated as mix gathering were requested to get separated in a way that tables near the stage were allocated to female guest and men were moved to the back tables. This realy disturbed my mom and she got offended with this. And in wedding occasion the my wife wore the jewellery set which were made by my in laws rather than wearing the jewelery presented by our side. This also offended my mother. Since then she got a very negative thought about my wife and her family. I was insulted badly in front of my wife on my valima ocaasion when we were returning from the venue to home. My mom scolded me badly only because I took 10 extra minutes for our photography. We came home and since then my life has become hell. My mom has never accepted my wife as her bahu. She only pin point the negative things about her. she only see the negative things in her. never consider ot understands her character. She scolds her say bad words about her parents. She is not allowed to go back to her parents. Even when she go and stay at her family home, there is always a fight when she returns.she is not allowed to visit her relatives. it has been almost 1.5 years but i have never visited her relatives even when they invite us on occassion like weddings i am still not allowed to go. My wife is calm and never act like typical bahus.she bears everything and has never mentioned any such thing to her parents. my mom is ery possesive about me. thats y I am not allowed to talk to my wife even on phone. I m not allowed to take her out. In last whole year me and my wife has gone out for diner only once.and when we return my mom created a big issue. after that i have decided not to take her out ever. We have not gone for shoping or hanging out. My wife got pregnant and so many issues were made even when I brough milk/ fruits in home I was treated with words which I cant tell. Now I am father of one baby girl. Even then things have not improved. In hospital my mom has a big issue and got offended only because my saas stayed in hospital and my mom didn’t want her to stay. Since then my life has gone more miserable. Traditionally what happens in our society is that in laws bear all the expense of the first child. But I am of the view that father is responsible for all these expenses so I beared all the expenses of delivery and hospitalization. due to this my mom says that our daughter belongs to us. she should not visit her maternal home. When my wife is feeding my child my mom doesn’t like it I guess. She has to do all the household thts why couldn’t give much time to my daughter. And she has to be feeded on formula milk. It has been almost two months since my child born. And this week only my wife was sent to her home to meet her family and stay ther because our home was being painted so my mom decided to sent her to home so tht baby doesn’t get affected due to the smell of paint. My ami always has issue with when I want to drop my wife home. She wants that her brothers should pick and drop her when she is going for stay in her home. I can easily pick and drop her as her home is in my way when I go to office. I don’t know what to do with my life. I attempted a suicide but it didn’t go well and my family is not aware of this. I ignore my wife I don’t give her any time. Even then my ami thinks I have changed I don’t care about my family. Whenever I try to explain anything she gets offended. I have no choice I don’t know how to deal with this situation. please guide me I am very much depressed and I don’t know what I might do if things don’t improve. May Allah reward you for your this. Hope to hear from you soon. Pls keep this info confidential. the other big issue is that my wife is not good at cooking. my mom keeps on taunting her that u dont know or u delebrately dont want to cook thts y spoil the food. i know her. my wife doesnt do it delebrately. it is because she never use to cook back at home before marriage. pls brother help me out. i am thinking of getting seperate from my wife. hoping that this might resolve the issue. waiting for you reply. JazakAllah
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Answer:
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Brother divorcing a good wife for no fault of hers is a very big sin, and you will be held severally responsible in the just court of Allah swt on that inevitable Day of Judgement. You are an educated man, and to think of suicide is absolutely not an option. It is a grave sin, haraam and an unpardonable act.
Brother your wife is a good lady as she is not complaining and adding to your woes. She needs your full support, as she has left her parents and has come in your house to face a very tough mother in law.
As far as you are concerned you should never give your mother any chance to be annoyed with you. Never back answer her and if she unjustly complains about everything you and your wife do, just bear it stoically. This is Allah swt command and you do not have any option. There is much reward in being obedient to your mother in all matters irrespective of the consequences.
Brother it is obvious that you cannot stand up for your rights against your mother. There is a polite way of putting your foot down if her request is unjust. You cannot be unjust to your wife all the time. You cannot give the rights due to your wife to your mother and vice versa.
Don't panic, make supplications to Allah swt., establish your regular prayers in their prescribed times, read the Glorious Quran in a language you can understand, fast during Ramadhan, pay the zakat correctly, keep righteous company and do good deeds always. InshaAllah when Allah swt wills your trials will be over and peace will come into your life.
Be very kind and understanding to/with your wife in all matters. You are within your rights to take your wife out sometimes even if your mother does not like it. Let her rant and say whatever she wants without answering her. You should and can bring milk and other necessary things for your child and wife openly not secretly and let your mother say what she wants without reacting. You should also allow her to go to her parents house whenever she wants to go, your mother does not have a say in this matter. You should always drop her and bring her home, that is the right thing to do. All the time being careful not to say one word back to your mother. Explain to her that she is your wife and you are commanded to give her her rights.
Brother you have to be a man and stand up for your rights. You know very well that accepting zulm is sometimes worse than committing evil deeds. You have seen your father silenced, as if he had used his rights on his wife there would be much peace in the house.
You are commanded to serve your mother to the best of your ability, but you cannot take responsibility of participating in her wrong doings. It would not be wrong in threatening your mother politely and telling her very humbly that since she can't find anything good in your wife it would be better if you and your wife stay separately so that there would be peace in the house. It might just bring her to her senses. She would be cross with you but it would not matter because she is your mother and she will eventually forgive you. If she agrees to separation it would not be wrong to try this out though it would not absolve you of doing service to your parents whenever necessary. Your wife will gladly take care of all your needs without having to bear any injustice. You would also be doing your mother a favor as she would not be committing the grave sin of doing injustice to her daughter in law.
So brother take out the option of divorce and suicide from your mind and face the realities of life. If you allow anyone to do zulm on you, then it is only you to be blamed. You will find a lot of help from your in laws, and there is no shame or sin in accepting good advice and help from them.
You are welcome to ask anything you need from this site and InshaAllah we will try and guide you aright. May Allah swt make your trials easy and guide you to do the right thing without doing injustice to anyone.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and well wisher in Islam,
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