Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

 

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

 

Assalaam o Alikum Warahmatullah:

 

Dear brother in Islam, my brother likes this girl for about 6 years now. The girl had three boyfriends in the last 6 years (my brother was one of them too). Now she is totally with my brother for the past year now. They have been going out since then. My brother say that she is changed now and when i am forgiving her for what she did to me why cant we (our family). My sis is taking his side too. My mom is really tensed now a days because of this situation. There are lot of reasons of not accepting her one of which is that she has been with so many guys till now. The other reason is that their family is modern (parents dont have control over their kids) Now my mom doesnt want my bro to get married to her because of the reasons mentioned above. And he blames that my mom is gonna suffer for all this. He and my sis both are not talking to mom. Please help me out i really need to do something in this regard. Thanks

 

Wasalaam

 

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Answer:

 

Mom disapproves of son choice girl

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person,  no grave, no prophet,  no imam,  no dai,  nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

Your Question: Please help me out i really need to do something in this regard.

Beloved Brother in Islam, since you are a third party in the conflict between your brother and your mother, the truth is there is very little you can do except exhort them to patience and the Truth. 

 

Because of the delicate nature of the issue, what we can do is provide you with the  evidence from the Quran and the Sunnah of the principles which should help you determine right from wrong. 

 

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone!  Treat your parents with great kindness;  if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them;  nor rebuke them;  but speak to them kind words.  Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord,  be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

 

After the rights due to Allah Subhanah,  in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is due to our parents.   And after the rights of parents,  is the rights of our near relatives,  far relatives,  muslims,  neighbors, etc.  In Islam,  the law is that one must give all the rights due to each,  without effecting the rights of others.

 

For instance,  one cannot take away the right due to our parents,  and give them to our wives and children.   Neither can he take away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents.  There should be a proper balance, and a muslim,  who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day,  should give each party its due rights without effecting the rights of the other.  

 

Regarding the rights and obligations of our parents upon us,  it is absolutely imperative and obligatory on every believer,  who fears Allah and the Last Day,   to treat and obey his parents in absolutely everything,  except if they ask you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger (saws).   Other than that,  their word is basically  a command for us!   We are not allowed in any circumstance to  groan, moan, growl, whimper or even say ‘uff’ to them!   We have to obey them in every respect,  as long as their command is not against Allah and His Messenger (saws).   We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to be kind to them,  be patient with them,  be merciful to them,  be obedient to them,  and treat them with the utmost respect.  So much so,  that this right and obligation is termed ‘fard ain’ (absolutely obligatory for every believer) in Islam.   And ‘fard ain’ means,  that no matter how old you are … 10-20-50-90… as along as one or both of your parents are alive,  you have to be obedient to them!   No one can do this on your behalf… you have the obligation to do it yourself!   This is the high station and the elevated ‘maqaam’ of parents in Islam. 

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928        Narrated by Abu-Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the Gates of Paradise;  so if you wish, keep to the Gate or lose it!"

 

It is possible that one may love a woman so much that he intends to honor and marry her and cannot even imagine his life without her; and it is also possible that after marriage, for any number of reasons, he might not find the woman upto his expectations and he has the option to divorce her and marry another woman instead; that is because the relationship of marriage is something which man himself chooses to make or break.  But there is absolutely no possibility, nor is it permissible, for one to break the relationships which our Lord Creator has chosen for us!  One may love, honor, and marry a woman of his choice today and divorce her tomorrow and replace her with another wife; but there is absolutely no possibility for one to find another mother who would give him birth again, and give the sacrifices she gave for the child during his upbringing!!!

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821         Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Kabaair’ or The Greatest Sins in Islam. He (saws) replied, "They are:--

(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,

(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,

(3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill)

(4) And to give a false witness."

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone.  Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

 

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

 

 

Burhan