The Muslim Woman and Her Community / Society
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She does not enter a house other than her own without permission
The Muslim woman who is truly guided by Islam does not enter a house other than her own without seeking permission and saying salam to the people who live there. This seeking permission is a divine commandment which is not to be evaded or ignored:
( O you who believe! Enter not houses other than your own, until you have asked permission and saluted those in them: that is best for you, in order that you may heed [what is seemly]. If you find no one in the house, enter not until permission is given to you: if you are asked to go back, go back: that makes for greater purity for yourselves: and Allah knows well all that you do . . .
But when the children among you come of age, let them [also] ask for permission, as do those senior to them [in age] . . . ) (Qur'an 24:27-28, 59)
The Muslim woman should neveven think of seeking permission to enter a house that she is not permitted to enter, such as a house where there are only non-mahram men present. When she seeks permission to enter, it is to go to where there are other women or men who are permitted to see her (i.e. mahram), and no one else - in accordance with the commands of Allah (SWT) and His Messenger.
There are certain manners in seeking permission which Islam urges Muslim men and women to follow whenever they want to visit somebody:
(1) The woman who is seeking permission to enter should not stand squarely in front of the door, but to the right or left of it. This is what the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) used to do. `Abdullah ibn Busr, the Companion of the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"Whenever the Prophet (PBUH) came to a door seeking permission to enter, he did not stand facing it; he would stand to the right or the left. If he was given permission, he would enter, otherwise he would leave."263
Note: 263. Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 2/513, Bab kayfa yaqum 'ind al-bab..
The rule of seeking permission has been given to protect privacy, as Sahl ibn Sa`d (RAA) reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"Seeking permission has been made a rule for the sake of not seeing264."265
Note: 264. i.e., so that the one seeking permission will not see anything that the people whose house it is do not want him to see. [Translator]
Note: 265. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 445, Kitab al-salam, bab al-isti'dhan wa adabihi.
Therefore the man or woman who is seeking permission is not allowed to stand facing the door, as this would allow him or her to see inside when the door is opened.
(2) She should say salam and then ask for permission. Seeking permission before saying salam is incorrect. This is the teaching of the Prophet (PBUH) as given in the hadith of Rib`i ibn Hirash who said:
"A man of Bani `Amir told us that he had sought permto enter upon the Prophet (PBUH), who was in a house. He said, `Shall I get in?' The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) told his servant, `Go out to this person and teach him how to seek permission to enter. Tell him to say "Al-salam `alaykum, may I enter?"' The man heard, so he said `Al-salam `alaykum, may I enter?' Then the Prophet (PBUH) gave him permission and he entered."266
Note: 266. Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 2/518, Bab idha qala: udkhul? wa lam yusallim; se also Riyad al-Salihin, 445.
(3) She should identify herself clearly when asked "Who are you?" by giving her name or kunyah. She should not reply in vague terms, such as "It is me." The Prophet (PBUH) disliked such an answer from a person knocking at the door, as such words do not give a clear idea of the person's identity. He said that a person should state his or her name clearly when asking to come in.
Jabir (RAA) said: "I came to the Prophet (PBUH) and knocked at the door. He said, `Who is this?' I answered, `Me,' and he said, `Me? Me?' as if he disliked this answer."267
Note: 267. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 447, Kitab al-salam, bab fi bayan an al-sunnah an yusammi al-musta'dhin nafsahu.
The Prophet (PBUH) thus taught us that the sunnah when seeking permission to enter is to state one's name clearly. This is what he and his noble companions used to do.
Abu Dharr (RAA) said:
"I went out one night and saw the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) walking on his own. I began to walk in the shadows cast by the moonlight. He turned around and saw me, so he said, `Who is this?' and I said, `Abu Dharr.'"268
Note: 268. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 447, Kitab al-salam, bab fi bayan an al-sunnah an yusammi al-musta'dhin nafsahu.
Umm Hani' (May Allah be pleased with her) said:
"I came to the Prophet's house while he was having ghusl. Fatimah was screening him and he said, `Who is this?' I said, `I am Umm Hani''"269
Note: 269. Ibid.
(4) She should go back if she is asked to do so, without getting upset or angry. This is the commandment of Allah (SWT) in the Qur'an:
( . . . If you are asked to go back, go back: that makes for greater purity for yourselves: and Allah knows well all that you do.) (Qur'an 24:28)
The Prophet (PBUH) taught that permission to enter should only be sought three times, then if permission is given one may enter, otherwise one should go back. Abu Musa al-Ash`ari (RAA) said:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `Seek permission to enter three times, then if permission is given to you, enter, otherwise go back.'"270
Note: 270. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 445, Kitab al-salam, bab fi'l-isti'dhan wa adabihi.
Abu Musa once asked `Umar for permission to enter, and it was not given, so he went away. `Umar called him to come back, and they had a lengthy conversation about seeking permission and going away. It is useful to quote this conversation, to demonstrate how meticulous the Sahabah were in finding out the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH) and in applying them. Abu Musa said:
"I sought permission to enter upon `Umar three times, and permission was not given, so I went away. `Umar called me back and said: `O servant of Allah (SWT), did you find it hard to be kept waiting at my door? You should know that people find it just as hard to be kept waiting at your door.' I said, `No, I asked permission from you three times and it was not given, so I went away [and we were commanded to do this].' He said, `From whom did you hear this?' I said, `I heard it from the Prophet (PBUH).' He said, `Have you heard something from the Prophet (PBUH) that we have not heard? If you do not bring some evidence for this I will make an example of you.' So I went out until I came to a group of the Ansar who were sitting in the mosque. I asked them about it and they said, `Does anyone doubt you concerning this?' So I told them what `Umar had said. They said, `No one but the youngest of us will come with you.' So Abu Sa`id al-Khudri - or Abu Mas`ud - came with me to `Umar, and told him, `We went out with the Prophet (PBUH) to visit Sa`d ibn `Ubadah. When we got there, [the Prophet (PBUH)] said salam, but no permission to enter was given. He said salam a second and a third time, but no permission was given. He said, `We have done what we had to,' then he went away. Sa`d came after him and said, `O Messenger of Allah, by the One Who sent you with the truth, you did not say salam but I heard you and returned the greeting, but I wanted to increase the number of times you said salam to me and my household.'"Abu Musa said: "By Allah (SWT), I was being honest in what I reported of the words of the Messenger of Allah. He (`Umar) said: `I agree, but I wanted to be sure.'"271
Note: 271. Fath al-Bari, 11/26, Kitab al-isti'dhan, bab al-taslim wa'l-isti'dhan; Sahih Mu, 14/130, Kitab al-adab, bab al-isti'dhan.
In another report narrated by Muslim, it states that when this hadith was proven, `Umar rebuked himself, as it were, by saying "Was any teaching of the Messenger of Allah hidden from me? My business in the market kept me busy."272
Note: 272. Sahih Muslim, 14/134, Kitab al-adab, bab al-isti'dhan.
These are the Islamic rules and manners pertaining to seeking permission to enter a house. No doubt the true Muslim woman who is keen to follow Islamic etiquette will apply these rules in her everyday life, each time she knocks on a door to seek permission to enter, and she will also teach these manners to her sons and daughters.
She sits wherever she finds room in a gathering
Another aspect of the manners of the true Muslim woman is that she sits wherever she finds room when she joins a gathering where other women have arrived before her and found a place to sit. This is a refined social etiquette that is derived from the example, in word and deed, of the Prophet (PBUH), and is a sign of good taste, sensitivity and politeness in the person who adopts it.
Such a refined Muslim woman does not force her way through the group of women who are sitting, or push them aside in order to force them to make space for her. This is in accordance with the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH) which he taught his Companions to adopt when they joined his gathering.
Jabir ibn Samurah (RAA) said:
"When we came to the Prophet (PBUH), we would sit wherever we found room."273
Note: 273. Reported by Abu Dawud, 5/164, in Kitab al-isti'dhan, 16, and Tirmidhi, 5/73, Kitab al-isti'dhan, 29. Tirmidhi said it is a hasan sahih gharib hadith.
The well-mannered Muslim woman avoids pushing between two people, and comes between them only with their permission, if it is necessary to do so. Pushing between two people without their permission is something which the Prophet (PBUH) forbade and warned against:
"It is not permitted for a man to come between two people except with their permission."274
Note: 274. Reported by Abu Dawud, 5/175, Kitab al-adab, 24, and Tirmidhi, 5/44, Kitab al-adab, 11. Tirmidhi said it is a hasan hadith.
Pushing between two people, whether in a gathering or in other circumstances, is odd behaviour which Islam has made clear is disliked. Muslims are to avoid such behaviour. There are many hadith and athar (reports) to that effect; these reports are narrated in the masculine form, as they were spoken to the men who were usually around the Prophet (PBUH), to remind them of correct Islamic manners, but these rules apply equally to women. The laws and commandments of Islam are addressed to all Muslims, and both men and women are responsiblfor obeying its commands and following its guidance.
One of these reports is that of Sa`id al-Maqbari who said:
"I passed by Ibn `Umar and there was a man with him talking to him. I stood by them, and Ibn `Umar slapped my chest and said: `If you find two people talking, do not stand by them and do not sit with them, until you have asked their permission.' I said, `May Allah (SWT) guide you, O Abu `Abdul-Rahman! I only hoped to hear something good from you both.'"275
Note: 275. Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad,2/580, Bab idha ra'a qawman yatanajuna fala yudkhul ma'ahum.
If someone gets up to let her sit in her place, she should not accept. This is better and more noble, and it is closer to the practice of the Sahabah, may Allah be pleased with them. Ibn `Umar (RAA) said:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `None of you should make another get up then sit in his place. All of you should move up and make space (for a latecomer)."276 If anyone stood up to give his place to him, Ibn `Umar would never accept it.277
Note: 276. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 12/296, 297, Kitab al-isti'dhan, bab la yuqim al-rajul min majlisihi idha hadara. [??]
Note: 277. Sahih Muslim, 14/161, Kitab al-salam, bab tahrim iqamah al-insan min mawdu'ihi.
On such occasions, the Muslim woman always abides by the guidance of Islam and the conduct of the Sahabah, may Allah be pleased with them. So she attains the social manners that are encouraged by Islam, and earns the reward of Allah (SWT) for following the Sunnah of His Prophet (PBUH).
She does not converse privately with another woman when a third is present
Islam came to form human beings who are sensitive and civil, with an awareness and understanding of the feelings of others. Therefore Islam has set out social and moral guidelines that are at the heart of this religion, and we are commanded to follow these guidelines and apply them in our own lives.
One of the guidelines laid down by the Prophet (PBUH) is that two people should not talk pbetween themselves when a third person is present:
"If you are three, two should not converse privately to the exclusion of the other, until more people join you, because that will make him sad."278
Note: 278. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/90, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah, bab la yunaja ithnan duna al-thalith.
The Muslim woman whose solid grounding in Islamic teaching has given her intelligence, sensitivity and good manners, avoids whispering and conversing privately when she is in a group of no more than three women. She is careful not to hurt the feelings of the third woman, lest she feel excluded and offended. If there is an urgent need for two of them to converse privately, then they must ask the permission of the third woman, speak briefly, then apologize to her.
This is the attitude of the Muslim woman who is truly guided by Islam, and this is the civil way in which she deals with other women. She learns all this from the teachings of Islam and the stories of the Sahabah, whose lives and manners were so completely permeated with the teachings and morals of Islam, that they never ignored these sensitive issues in their dealings with people. This is reflected in many reports which describe their careful respect for human feelings. An example is the report given by Imam Malik in al-Muwatta', from `Abdullah ibn Dinar who said:
"Ibn `Umar and I were at the house of Khalid ibn `Uqbah, which was in the market, when a man came in wanting to speak to him (Ibn `Umar) in private. I was the only other person present, so Ibn `Umar called another man to make our number up to four. Then he told me and the newcomer, `Move a little way off together, for I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say, "Two should not converse privately to the exclusion of another."'"279
Note: 279. Al-Muwatta', 2/988, Kitab al-kalam (6).
The Muslim woman who is truly guided by the teachings of Islam and the way in which the best of generations (i.e. the Sahabah) applied them follows the example of Ibn `Umar (RAA), who did not want to listen to a man who had come in off the street suddenly to converse with him in private, because he knew that there was a third person present whose feelings could be hurt if he asked him to move away on his own. He waited to listen to the man who wanted to converse in private, until he had called a fourth man, then he explained to all of them that this was the sunnah of the Prophet (PBUH), and repeated the hadith to them, reminding the Muslims that this is the approach they should take when they find themselves in such situations, respecting people's feelings and following the sunnah of the Prophet (PBUH).
How fine are the social manners encouraged by Islam! How great is the honour which Islam bestows upon human beings and the respect and consideration it shows towards their feelings!
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