The Muslim Women and Her Husband

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She treats his mother and family with kindness and respect

One of the ways in which a wife expresses her respect towards her husband is by honouring and respecting his mother.

The Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion knows that the person who has the greatest right over a man is his mother, as we have seen in the hadith of `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) quoted above. So she helps him to honour and respect his mother, by also honouring and respecting her. In this way she will do herself and her husband a favour, as she will helping him to do good deeds and fear Allah (SWT), as commanded by the Qur'an. At the same time, she will endear herself to her husband, who will appreciate her honour and respect towards his family in general, and towards his mother in particular. Nothing could please a decent, righteous and respectful man more than seeing strong ties of love and respect between his wife and his family, and nothing could be more hateful to a decent man than to see those ties destroyed by the forces of evil, hatred and conspiracy. The Muslim family which is guided by faith in Allah (SWT) and follows the pure teachings of Islam is unlikely to fall into the trap of such jahili behaviour, which usually flourishes in an environment that is far removed from the true teachings of this religion.

A Muslim wife may find herself being tested by her mother-in-law and other in-laws, if they are not of good character. If such is the case, she is obliged to treat them in the best way possible, which requires a great deal of cleverness, courtesy, diplomacy and repelling evil with that which is better. Thus she will maintain a balance between her relationship with her in-laws and her relationship with her husband, and she will protect herself and her marriage from any adverse effects that may result from the lack of such a balance.

The Muslim woman should never think that she is the only one who is required to be a good and caring companion to her spouse, and that nothing similar is required of her husband or that there is nothing wrong with him mistreating her or failing to fulfil some of the responsibilities of marriage. Islam has regulated the marital relationship by giving each partner both rights and duties. The wife's duties of honouring and taking care of her husband are balanced by the rights that she has over him, which are that he should protect her honour and dignity from all kinds of mockery, humiliation, trials or oppression. These rights of the wife comprise the husband's duties towards her: he is obliged to honour them and fulfil them as completely as possible.

One of the Muslim husband's duties is to fulfil his role of qawwam (maintainer and protector) properly. This is a role that can only be properly fulfilled by a man who is a successful leader in his home and family, one who possesses likeable masculine qualities. Such a man has a noble and worthy attitude, is tolerant, overlooks minor errors, is in control of his married life, and is generous without being extravagant. He respects his wife's feelings and makes her feel that she shares the responsibility of running the household affairs, bringing up the children, and working with him to build a sound Muslim family, as Islam wants it to be.

She endears herself to her husband and is keen to please him

The true Muslim woman is always keen to win her husband's love and to please him. Nothing should spoil his happiness or enjoyment of life. So she speaks kind words to him, and refrains from saying anything hurtful or upsetting. She brings him good news, but she keeps bad news from him as much as she can, or postpones telling it until a more suitable time when it will not upset him so much. If she finds that she has no alternative but to tell him upsetting news, she looks for the most suitable way to convey it, so that the blow will not be so hard on him. This is the wise approach and good conduct of the clever woman, but it is very difficult to attain and only a very few virtuous women ever do so.

One of those who did reach this high level was the great Muslim woman Umm Sulaym bint Milhan, the wife of Abu Talhah al-Ansari. Her son passed away whilst Abu Talhah was travelling, and her attitude was so unique that if Imam Muslim had not reported this story we would have taken it to be a mere myth. Let us hear her son Anas ibn Malik tell the story of his remarkable mother and her unattitude:

"A son of Abu Talhah by Umm Sulaym died. Umm Sulaym told her family, `Do not tell Abu Talhah about his son until I tell him about it.' Abu Talhah came home, so she prepared dinner for him, and he ate and drank. Then she beautified herself in a way that she had never done before, and he had sexual intercourse with her. When she saw that he was satisfied, she said, `O Abu Talhah, do you think that if a people lent something to a household, then asked for it back, do they have the right not to return it?' He said, `No.' She said, `Then resign yourself to the death of your son.' Abu Talhah became angry and said, `You let me indulge myself and then you tell me about my son!' He went to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) and told him what had happened. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, `May Allah bless both of you for this night!' Umm Sulaym became pregnant. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) went on a journey, and she accompanied him. Whenever the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) came back from a journey, he never entered Madinah at night. When they (the travelling-party) approached Madinah, her labour-pains started. Abu Talhah stayed with her, and the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) went on ahead to Madinah. Abu Talhah said, `O Lord, You know how I love to go out with Your Messenger when he goes out, and to come back with him when he comes back, and I have been detained, as You see.' Umm Sulaym said, `O Abu Talhah, I do not feel as much pain as I did before, so let us go on.' When they reached (Madinah), her labour-pains started again, and she gave birth to a boy. My mother said to me, `O Anas, nobody should feed him until you take him to the Messenger of Allah in the morning.' So when morning came, I took the baby to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH), and when I met him he was carrying an iron tool. When he saw me, he said, `I hope that Umm Sulaym has given birth.' I said, `Yes.' So he put down the tool and I brought the child to him and placed him in his lap. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) called for some of the dates of Madinah. He chewed it until it became soft, then he put it in the baby's mouth and the baby began to smack his lips. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `See how much the Ansar love dates!' Then he wiped the baby's face and named him `Abdullah."45

Note: 45. Sahih Muslim, 16/11, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab fada'il Umm Sulaym.

How great was Umm Sulaym's faith, and how magnificent her patience and virtue! How bravely she hid her pain from her husband and endeared herself to him. She managed to conceal her grief at the loss of her beloved son and spent that time with her husband patiently hoping that by being a good wife to her husband she might earn the pleasure of Allah (SWT). This is true, deep and sincere faith.

Allah (SWT) answered the Prophet's prayer for Umm Sulaym and her husband, and she became pregnant from that night. When she was heavily pregnant, she saw her husband Abu Talhah preparing to set out on another military campaign with the Messenger of Allah (PBUH). She insisted on partaking of the honour of jihad with him alongside the Messenger of Allah (PBUH), even though she was in the later stages of pregnancy. Her husband took pity on her because of the difficulties of the journey and the heat of the desert, but he still asked the Prophet (PBUH) for permission to let her come with him, and he gave his permission because he knew her strength of character and love of jihad.

Umm Sulaym was present when the Muslims were triumphant at Makkah, and when they were sorely tested at Hunayn. She stood firm, as solid as a rock, alongside her husband and the small group of believers around the Prophet (PBUH), even though she was pregnant, at that most difficult time when many others had fled, and she remained there until Allah (SWT) brought victory to the believers.

The mujahid army returned to Madinah, and her labour began. When the pains became intense, she and her husband stayed behind for a while, but her husband prayed to his Lord in the still of night becasue he loved to go out and return with the Prophet (PBUH). Suddenly the pains ceased; she told her husband and they set out to follow the army that had gone on ahead. They caught up with them, and after they had entered Madinah, Umm Sulaym's labour pains began anew. She gave birth to a boy, and his brother on his mother's side, Anas, brought him to the Prophet (PBUH), who fed him a small amount of dates (tahnik) and named him `Abdullah. The prayer of the Prophet (PBUH) for this baby was fulfilled, as among his descendents were ten great scholars.

No doubt Allah (SWT) knew the sincerity of Umm Sulaym's faith, and conveyed the good news of Paradise to her via His Prophet (PBUH):

"I entered Paradise, and heard footsteps. I said, `Who is this?' and they told me, `It is al-Ghumaysa', the daughter of Milhan, the mother of Anas ibn Malik.'"46

Note: 46. See Sahih Muslim, 16/11, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab fada'il Umm Sulaym.

Another example of the ways in which a wife may endear herself to her husband is the way in which `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) spoke to the Prophet (PBUH) when he came back to his wives after he had kept away from them for a month. He had said, "I will not go in to them for a month," because he was so angry with them. When twenty-nine days had passed, he came to `A'ishah first. `A'ishah said to him, `You swore to stay away from us for a month, and only twenty-nine days have passed; I have been counting them." The Prophet (PBUH) said, "This month has twenty-nine days." That particular month had only twenty-nine days.47

Note: 47. From a lengthy hadith narrated by Bukhari and Muslim. See Fath al-Bari, 5/116, Kitab al-mazalim, bab al-ghurfah wa'l-'aliyyah al-mushrifah; Sahih Muslim, 7/195, Kitab al-siyam, bab bayan an al-shahr yakun tis'an wa 'ishrin.

`A'ishah's telling the Prophet (PBUH) that she had counted twenty-nine days was a clear indication of her love towards her husband and of how she had waited, day by day, hour by hour, for him to come back to her. It shows how she loved and missed her husband. This approach made her even dearer to him, so when he came back to his wives, he started with her.

The sincere Muslim woman recognizes her husband's likes and habits, and tries to accommodate them as much as she can, in the interests of mutual understanding and marital harmony, and to protect the marriage from the boredom of routine. This is what every wise and intelligent wife does. It was narrated that the qadi and faqih Shurayh married a woman from Banu Hanzalah. On their wedding night, each of them prayed two rak`ahs and asked Allah (SWT) to bless them. Then the bride turned to Shurayh and said, "I am a stranger, and I do not not know much about you. Tell me what you like, and I will do it, and tell me what you do not like so I may avoid it." Shurayh said, "She stayed with me for twenty years, and I never had to tell her off for anything, except on one occasion, and I was in the wrong then."

This is the respectful and loving wife as Islam wants her to be, responsible for her home and loyal to her husband, and always careful to maintain a good relationship between them. If anything happens to upset their marriage, she hastens to calm the situation with her sincere love and wise understanding. She does not listen to the whispering of the Shaytan which calls her to do wrong, and she never hastens to ask her husband for a divorce. The marriage bond should be too strong to be undone by temporary arguments or occasional misunderstandings. The Prophet (PBUH) warned those foolish women who ask their husbands for a divorce with no legitimate reason that they would be denied even the scent of Paradise:

"Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no good reason will be deprived of even smelling the scent of Paradise."48

Note: 48. A hasan sahih hadith, reported by Tirmidhi, 2/329, abwab al-talaq, 11; Ibn Hibban, 9/490, Kitab al-nikah, bab ma'ashirah al-zawjayn.

She does not disclose his secrets

The chaste Muslim woman does not disclose her husband's secrets, and does not talk to anyone about whatever secrets and other matters there may be between him and her. The serious Muslim woman is above that; she would never sink to the level of such cheap and shameless talk as goes on amongst the lowest type of people. Her time is too precious to be wasted in such vulgar behaviour. She would never accept for herself to be counted as one of those people whom the Prophet (PBUH) described as one of the worst types:

"Among the worst type of people in the sight of Allah (SWT) on the Day of Judgement is a man who enjoys his w's intimate company, and she enjoys his intimate company, then one of them goes and discloses the secret of the other."49

Note: 49. Sahih Muslim, 10/8, Kitab al-nikah, bab tahrim ifsha' sirr al-mar'ah; Al-targhib wa'l-tarhib, 3/86, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-tarhib min ifsha' al-sirr bayna al-zawjayn.

Talking about that which is private between a husband and wife is one of the most abhorrent ways of disclosing secrets. No-one does such a thing but the worst type of people. There are some secrets the disclosure of which is not as bad as disclosing this secret, but in any case, telling secrets at all is disliked and is unacceptable. Keeping secrets in itself is a worthy and virtuous deed, whilst disclosing them is a serious error and shortcoming, from which nobody can be immune except the infallible Prophet (PBUH). The disclosure of a secret that the Prophet (PBUH) had entrusted to Hafsah, who told it to `A'ishah, led to the plotting and intrigue in his household that caused him to keep away from his wives for a whole month, because he was so upset with them.50 Concerning this, the following ayah was revealed:

Note: 50. The story of the Prophet's keeping way from his wives is narrated by al-Bukhari, Muslim and others. See Fath al-Bari, 5/116, kitab almazalim, bab al-ghurfah wa'l-aliyyah al-mushrifah, and 8/656, kitab al-tafsir, Surat al-Tahrim; Sahih Muslim, 7/195, Kitab al-siyam, bab bayan an al-shahr yakun tis'an wa 'ishrin.

( When the Prophet disclosed a matter of confidence to one of his consorts, and she then divulged it [to another], and Allah made it known to him, he confirmed part thereof and repudiated a part. Then when he told her thereof, she said, `Who told you this?' He said, `He told me Who knows and is well-acquainted [with all things].) (Qur'an 66:3)

The two women concerned are then confronted with their error, and called to repent, so that they might draw closer to Allah (SWT) after having distanced themselves by their deed, otherwise Allah would be his (the Prophet's) Protector, and Jibril and the righteous believers would also support him:

( If you two turn in repentance to Him, your hearts are indeed so inclined; but if you back up each other against him, truly Allah is his Protector, and Gabriel, and [every] righteous one among those who believe - and furthermore, the angels - will back [him] up.) (Qur'an 66:4)

Then they are issued with a stern warning and the terrifying prospect that if they persist in their error, they may lose the honour of being the wives of the Prophet:

( It may be, if he divorced you [all], that Allah will give him in exchange Consorts better than you - who submit [their wills], who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship [in humility], who travel [for Faith] and fast - previously married or virgins.) (Qur'an 66:5)

This incident presents a valuable lesson to the Muslim woman on the importance of keeping her husband's secret, and the effect this confidentiality has on the stability of the individual and the home. One of the greatest blessings that Allah (SWT) has bestowed on the Muslims in particular, and on mankind in general, is that he has made the public and private life of His Messenger (PBUH) like an open book, in which can be read the teachings of this `aqidah and its practical application in real life. Nothing is secret or hidden: matters and events that people usually keep secret are discussed openly in the Qur'an and Sunnah, even unavoidable human weaknesses. All of these issues are presented in order to teach people right from wrong.

The Sahabah, may Allah (SWT) be pleased with them, understood that the Prophet's life was entirely devoted to Allah (SWT) and His message, so why should they keep secret or conceal any aspect of his life? The stories that have been narrated about his life, his household and his wives represent a practical application of the words he preached, and for this reason, the Sahabah (may Allah reward them with all good) transmitted the most precise details of his life, and did not fail to record any aspect of his daily life, whether it was major or minor. This is part of the way in which Allah (SWT) caused the life of his Prophet to be recorded, including details of the precise way in which Islamic teachings were applied in his life. This is in addition to the Qur'anic references to the Prophet's life, which form a record that will remain until heaven and earth pass away.

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